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What could people do if they didn't know they "can't"?

My friend Chris attended a sort of personal development seminar for four days last summer. It was the "platinum" version, which meant most of the participants were extraordinarily successful and, usually, fantastically wealthy. There were celebrity actors, doctors whose patients are celebrities, entrepreneurs, lawyers, and even a guy who retired recently at the ripe old age of 27 after building a real estate empire. (Hint: The only non-Bentley/Lexus/Mercedes-type car in the parking lot at the hotel resort was my friend's rental car he got at the airport.)

When I talked with Chris after the program, he told me what I
expected: he thought the course was very good, he had learned a lot about himself, and he enjoyed meeting so many interesting people. And, of course, he told me the funny story of how when everyone was departing, the parking attendant said Whose Chevy Malibu?, and everyone, dumbfounded, gawked around for the driver.

But he also said he noticed one thing that really stuck with him.

"It seems like all these people I meet who started companies or became movie stars or whatever, and made a ton of money doing it were able to do it because they simply did it before they figured out they weren't supposed to be able to do it."

Sad. But true, it seems.

When, exactly, do we convince people that they can't achieve extraordinary things? It's hard to pin it on a milestone event common to many people's lives like the 18th Birthday or College Graduation (though those milestones certainly are accompanied by plenty of "wisdom" from family members).

But you can be sure we do it when our friends (or, in most cases, our children and nieces and nephews) finally have the guts to start talking about what they really want to do more than anything else -- more than working for the big company in their hometown and more than going to law school where their fathers went -- and we say what we've been trained to say, something like

- Be realistic. (Why? Because we're overdosing on fantasy all the time?)

- Don't put all your eggs in one basket. (This, coming from a person who talks like each of us only has one egg?)

- It will take too much time/money/work. (Maybe it's too much for the average apathetic Joe, but what about your friend who wants to throw her commute, cash, and calluses at it?)

- I'd choose the safe move. (You would? That's nice. But she's not you, so what's she to do.)

- You have to write a business plan first. (Really? Tell that to the 60% of founding CEOs of Inc. 500 companies who didn't. I know this stat and article are from 2002, but it doesn't change much year to year.)

- No one has done that before. (Well, duh. That's what makes it cool.)

Next time your friends work up the guts to share their dreams with you, feel free to tell them how to make it better. But don't tell them that it won't work. There are already too many times when they risk being convinced that they're not supposed to be able to do it. Maybe if they never figure it out, they'll never figure it out.

Posted by Ian Ybarra on 13 April 2005

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